Editor’s Note: The RichmondOutside.com WordPress account was hacked by someone, presumably a man, calling himself Foghorn Leghorn. He posted the below late last night. I considered pulling it from the site, but after a profane email exchange this morning and the promise of free entry into all race events, I decided to let it ride. This post is strange, no doubt, but, best I can tell, it is 100 percent real. Please direct questions to firstname.lastname@example.org
The World is Coming to the Poop Loop
I say, I say, I say, now here we find ourselves on the doorstep of the biggest durn party to hit this city since Sherman burned it to the ground. Or was it Grant? Or did we burn it? No matter, it burned, and the rest is…history.
Now we rally under the colors that unite us, and it’s our turn to burn this city down. As promised, the details have been sorted and the Barnyard Crew is coming to the fore to volunteer their services. First order of business: BEER. The craftsmen at Blakemore Brewing Company have worked up six custom brews for this event, along with these commemorative pint glasses (see pic at left). Racin’ is free, so is the beer (ABC laws, ya know), but you’re gonna need this $15 souvenir cup to put it in. Keeps your whistle wet all week.
Next order of business: A few basic ground rules. No whining. Period. Don’t make an arse of yourself, this is just for fun. The Foghorn Leghorn Productions scoresheet is the official scoresheet, I don’t give two American turds what your Strava time was. Any scoring protests should be written on a $20 bill. This is a communal affair, so if you expect to eat, bring some food to share. We need to show our guests some Southern fried hospitality and all. Feel free to bring friends. If they like to ride bikes, they are welcome.
Finally: Schedule. We got ya covered, with a splendid mix of road, MTB & other. Some you may have ridden, some perhaps not. Plus we have already planned out most of your social calendar.
Friday, September 18: Opening Ceremony, Brown’s Island. Free but you need a ducat.
Saturday, September 19: Know Good Beer Fest, Brown’s Island 2 to 9 p.m.
Sunday, September 20:
Pros Ride – Team Time Trial 11:30-3:30
You Ride – Poop Loop Individual Time Trial, 5 p.m., Ancarrow’s Landing Parking Area
Afterparty – West 33rd Street (Southside)
Time Bonus – Porn Star Mustache Competition
Monday, September 21:
You Ride – New Kent County, Road and Gravel, 10 a.m., New Kent Visitors Center
Afterparty – TBD (but it ain’t at my house!)
I know, I know “but Fogggggy, why do we have to drive all the way to New Kent?” Its 20 minutes from downtown. Get out of the city, the country air will be good for ya. I’ve seen some of you getting your ninja training out here, you know who you are. Minimum 25c tires and a few spare tubes recommended. Slap on the Gatorskins, expect about 60 miles.
Tuesday, September 22:
Pros Ride – Womens Elite Time Trial, 1:30 p.m.
You Ride – James River Park Enduro Style, 9 a.m., Dogwood Dell
Afterparty – China Street (Oregon Hill)
Wednesday, September 23:
Pros Ride – Mens Elite Time Trial, 1:30 p.m.
You Ride – Powhite Hot Laps, 5 p.m., Powhite Park
Afterparty – Chez Andre, Blakemore Road (Southside), just like every Wednesday
Thursday, September 24:
No pro racing
You Ride – Pocahontas State Park, 10 a.m., Amphitheater Parking Area
Afterparty – TBD
Friday, September 25:
Pros Ride – Womens Jr./Mens U-23 Road Race 10 a.m. to 5 p.m.
Shmoes Ride – Conquer The Cobbles 7 to 9 p.m.
You Ride – Road Course Poach – 2 laps, 4:30 pm, Starts/Finishes at Libbie Hill Park
Afterparty, Awards and Heckling – Pit O’ Disrepair, E. Franklin Street (Church Hill)
If you can survive all that, then you may be a GC contender, and have your shot at some crappy homemade prizes. I have good intel that the women’s race is heating up already. I expect old grudges will be settled and new ones forged. Remember, the world will be watching.
Parking and car travel city-wide will of course be limited, so ride to the ride wherever possible.
As more details reveal themselves, I will update this page accordingly.